Ketchup

Wow it feels like I haven't been around for quite some time and I guess it's true.

I've had a lot going on these last few months what with my granddads illness and death, and dealing with the funeral and various illnesses after to being run down because of the stress. Then to top it off just as I thought I could begin to get back to normal my middle lad started cutting again, so I've been helping him through that. I've also been holed up like a hermit, which I'm prone to do during the winter months but which has also crept into spring.

To combat this and to try and get out of my slump I've been into town today and picked up a new chain for my mountain bike so I can get that fixed and get out on it. I've missed riding. I feel so free flying down a mountain... Obviously its kinda different riding up! But the whole experience frees my mind from the mundane trappings that make up my life.

Although I've not been around Pagan/Wiccan community much I have been around the interwebs. Mainly on YouTube, jeez that place eats up time like no other. But I've enjoyed the distraction. And I think that’s why I was on there so much… trying to forget all the crap clogging up my mind. 

I've also been reading up on Tameran Wicca a lot and it's definitely calling to me. I began looking into Kemetic orthodox and Egyptian reconstruction but I knew instantly that wasn't the right path for me. There is no way I'd ever give up Wicca. I am Wiccan through and through, but I do, and have been, leaning heavy toward the Egyptian pantheon so Tameran Wicca seems the perfect path for me at present. I still consider myself eclectic however, because I still have a love for some of the Greek Gods and Goddesses, and basically because it’s too early in my path to commit solely one path.

I’ve been slowly coming out of the Closet... Well some might call it creeping but it boils down to the same thing really; my beliefs aren't super-secret anymore and it's all to do with privacy, and the fact I have none. The fact I was securely in the closet wasn't because I’m ashamed about my spiritual beliefs jsyk, but rather that I want to be judged for me and not for someone's prejudices. That and the fact I'm a very private person but that’s another story. I finally realised when my youngest told me I had a parcel. A very big parcel! (I may or may not be slightly exaggerating) and asked if it was anything to do with my ‘witchcraft’ stuff. So yeah I guess I’m kinda out of the closet. I've not been a super sleuth or anything, quite the opposite actually. Certain people are getting the hump and not talking to me, or even better blatantly ignoring it. But to be honest I've started not to care rightly or wrongly. Someone once asked me if my partner was travelling the path with me, and whether he was supportive. Well long and short, no he is not. The question played on my mind a bit; I think it must have been bugging me somewhere in my sub-conscious because I started to leave books, incense, crystals, etc. around the place. Not in your face, but you know, here and there and obviously the kids have picked up on this. It’s being ignore by my boyfriend at the moment (aside from the odd negative comment) but I’m just ignoring that… actually I might even burn some incense in the living room lol I Can’t help but push now.

So yeah, that’s what’s new with me. I hope you all are having a great day. Blessed be beautiful people

I'll leave you with a video of a band that I have been enjoying lately and who have helped me over the last few months...

Networking online

Stupid me just jumps into the thick of things and joins too many online networking sites +_+ then get freaked out when weird guys (I guess they're guys... but who the hell knows really) send weird messages. Oh they're easy to ignore, don't get me wrong. It just got me thinking about why I even bother to join these sites in the first place. I do it all the time. I've joined sites that I can't even remember the name of! I'll find a site, try to join only to find I've already joined and obviously not gone back. It's not as if I even like networking (aka making friends). Well. I do, of course I do but I'm rubbish at it and because I'm rubbish it makes it an up hill struggle. That's hard work to me and who likes hard work after a day at work? It just feels like a process to me... unnatural... awkward. I find it's easier when I just click with someone, and that does happen occasionally, luckily for me or I'd have no friends at all. I really struggle with the building bricks that go into creating a relationship. I miss the social cues that everyone else observes and can easily apply. So I get defensive... "I like it on my own... I don't need anybody else... (blah blah blah)" it's like a mantra to me but for the most part it's not even true. I don't like to bother people, and I always think that I am... bothering them I mean, so I hold back. It doesn't help that I'm no great conversationalist with people I don't know... hell, even with people I only half know. Sometimes I think that's worse, when you only half know a person. I don't know where I stand. I don't know the friendship "rules".

But anyway I've gone slightly off topic and gone all melancholy. I blame Adele :)

Solution: To delete all but maybe two of them and concentrate on the ones I feel the most comfortable with, which is just one at the moment. I do like the look of another one, I just don't feel free there yet.

Lesson: To find out all I can about a site before I join. If it's not for me, move on. And repeat

Been a while

Or at least it seems it!

I've been distracted these last few weeks with my Granddad being ill in hospital. It's kinda knocked me out of rhythm.

He's better than he has been. He's been in and out of sedation for the past week and he's due to be moved shortly. It should have been a few days ago but they put it back slightly. I haven't seen him for a week due to minor illnesses within the family. I miss him but I'd never forgive myself if I past anything on to him while he's so ill. I should be going to see him very soon. Hopefully before he gets moved to Liverpool.

I've still been practising the tarot and runes. The tarot coming alone better than the runes. I think its because of my memory. I can associate meaning with the images of the cards, but with the runes it's a only a symbol and a name I can't remember how to pronounce. I have to look it up every time. I know the tarot will take much longer to learn because of the multi layers of meaning and symbolism but I'm just finding them easy at this time. I'm going to keep at them both but not stress about it. I don't expect to learn everything in a blink of an eye. This isn't the Matrix :) travelling this path is life long so I have plenty of time (Goddess bless!).

I've also been continuing with my meditation albeit at a slower pace and less often. It's not been as successful as previous, and I put that down to being knocked out of synch. I really enjoy meditation and experimenting with different approaches so I'm going to step it up again next week. I felt I was getting somewhere but I'm sure it's like riding a bike once my mind gets back on track. I tried in the bath yesterday and I gave up after 10 minutes. Usually 10 minutes was a breeze.

So apart from the tarot, runes and meditation I've not being doing much. Before my Granddads illness I was looking into animal totems; gathering information, asking advice so I still have to write that up for my BoS. I'll also post it here. I was also looking into Kemetic Wicca (or is it Tameran Wicca?) but that'll be a different post.

Goddess bless you all )O(

Enough

Sometimes I'm my on worst enemy. I'm to busy trying to protect myself from hurt that I close myself off and become so fucking self-centred it's stupid.

These last few months I've been concentrating on protecting myself from negativity from outside sources but maybe I'm going about it all wrong. Maybe I need to focus on making things better, making things right. Letting light in instead of keeping the dark out.

Am I creating my own shroud of negativity?

Imbolc celebration

Well I've now performed my second Imbolc ritual. I won't mention that they were 10 years apart ;) this years was much better than the last time I did it. If I remember correctly I felt very unsure of myself and what I was doing. Yesterday it felt right and everything went smoothly and I was really calm; I'm sure I felt a little apprehensive the first time and forgot to do a few steps. However I did feel that I was slight stiff and a little too concerned with getting the steps right, well no, that isn't right. A little too focused on the steps? I'm finding it a little difficult to articulate. But anyway it felt right and I was calm... just a little stiff. I guess the sabbats (and spell casting) will feel like that until the wordings come naturally from my own heart instead from someone else's. I suppose they'll feel more natural as I start to write my own like I did with my Yule celebration.

My Imbolc ritual was the first I've performed before sunrise. I definitely felt a difference between performing in the day and night. I didn't think it would be that different; it just felt so tranquil. There was no traffic -although I perform my rituals indoors when I practise in the morning I can still hear people going about their lives). It was just beautiful and I will definitely be setting my alarm and doing it again.

It makes me question how I'm going to go about celebrating Esbats. I know not everyone celebrates them every month but I want and intend to (although I haven't yet). I've not yet researched/learnt about the Esbats. I've just bought Moon Magic by D.J Conway which was recommended to me but I'm currently reading around four/five books (I'm using 2 to structure my leaning and the other 2 for different perspectives, and one which is usually focused on the subject I'm currently studying; it's actually not as confusing as it sounds!), so I haven't got to the Esbats yet. I know that I want them to be a simple celebration and that they'll have to be performed under the moonlight. For the moment in my mind I'm thinking that I'll do something around about midnight. Something simple. I may not even cast a circle but it will be outside. That's something I'm very sure about.

A Promise and Playing Ketchup

Playing Ketchup

I really need to start posting as I go. I always write posts on my phone but I never think to post them straight on blogger, or any other blog right away because I want to add a photo, or I can't remember an author's name or something and then I forget about it until it feels too late to actually post it. It annoys me because then things happen that link in to something I draft posted about and then I do some back peddling and rush to post the posts I should have posted before posting the event that it linked in with... Phew, still with me? So basically I need to stop procrastinating and get posts posted before they're out dated.

A Promise 

The last time I studied Wicca I did so for 9 or so months. I regret that I drifted from the path but ultimately I did and I can't get that time back so I'm putting my best foot forward.

On the 18th January I dedicated myself to Isis, and promised to study my chosen path for a year and a day. After my year and a day I intend to perform another self-dedication ritual where I state that I'm making an informed choice and dedicating myself to that choice. I know most people do it the other way round but doing it this way makes much more sense to me, especially after stepping off the path last time. I'm thankful that I didn't make a dedication at that time as I would have broken it. Not that I ever gave up my religion. No, I've always felt Wiccan, I just stopped practising, but unfortunately I also stopped learning.

I performed a lovely yet simply dedication, and also I performed a Goddess blessing which I felt was appropriate. I felt great afterwards .

Blessed Imbolc, My Friends

Totem Animals

I've been watching a lot of youtube videos lately and last night I discovered CharmingPixieFlora and one of her videos caught my attention; finding your totem animal;

And since I've been practising meditation a lot lately I decided to give it a go and find my totem animal. I actually found it really easy to relax and meditate. I've never thought a drum could allow me that. I always imagined it would distract me but it was just perfect. Here is my squibbed note afterwards;

Did you see the part about a Hedgehog? First, please excuse all typos and spelling errors. I'm too concerned with getting the information down before I forget. Well it had me thinking all night and the next morning I was kinda feeling that I'd denied the Hedgehog. Out of the 3 animals only the hedgehog was spontaneous (I had been thinking of owls and panthers a lot lately). At the time I did struggle to move past the hedgehog and I think it was because I wasn't prepared for it to be a hedgehog (how many time can I say hedgehog :). So I tried again this morning and again the hedgehog was the first animal I came across, I asked him again and this time he kinda smiled and scurried off. I followed and found him sitting playing with a panther cub and the owl was standing aloft seemingly watching them. So again 3 animals appeared to me, the same 3 animals.

Is this some indication that I'm confused? What does this mean?

After a little pondering I looked up a hedgehog totem and wow, after the last few weeks it makes so much sense. How could I have dismissed it the first time? I kind of feel awed to be honest.

Hedgehog's Message and Medicine

I need to research totem animals better because I don't really understand that much about them. Will I always have a hedgehog as my totem? Can you have more than 1 at any one time?

Answers to these questions I need to find :)

Cuteness 

Back to Basics; Meditation

I've been casting a circle every wednesday (although it isn't the best day for some of the things I want to do) since the beginning of January and it's going okay. It's Wednesday because its the only free time I'm getting at the moment I've settled on my wording and the setting up of my altar. However, last week I decided that I really should be starting at the basics; Meditation and Visualisation. They seem to be the corner stone of spell-crafting and circle casting, so I really need to be practising, and so that is what I've been doing.

I've been running a bath every evening, adding a herb blend for purification (I had no muslim so I had to put the herbs in a bath glove and tied the end! Haha Wicca on a shoestring :) and a little essential oil (Juniper). I light my candles and put on my native american music (The World in Our Eyes by J.Reuben Silverbird) which I've decided is my meditate CD because knowing me I'll find it easier to slip into meditation mode if I stick to the same music.

So relaxing. I do the usual relaxation methods (tensing body parts then releasing them etc) then once my mind and body feels peaceful I . The first time I kept trying to concentrate on the candle, then I would close my eyes keeping the candle in my third eye. I really suck! I can do it for a few minutes before my thoughts zoom off 100 miles an hour. I persevering though and I can feel the time getting longer each attempt.

The other night, after a few concentration attempts, I managed to relax and I let my mind take me where ever it wanted to go.

I was at a waterfall in a small clearing. I was stood watching an old native american play a flute. At my shoulder was a small owl and at my feet was a panther. I think it was the music putting images in my head but I went with it. I didn't do anything, nor did the guy. I was just stood there watching.

What struck me afterwards was that I kept the scene in my mind for around 10 minutes. Maybe the music helped, or maybe I can do it longer but I'm just trying too hard :/ or it wasn't that long it just felt it. I don't know. All I can do is keep practising :)

Thank Goodness For That

For the last month or so I have felt surrounded by negativity. Some days I was returning home from work feeling drenched in the stuff. I made myself numerous protection amulets, took cleansing and protection baths and crafted spells all to protect myself from this shroud of negativity. Well, finally it feels over. I haven't mentioned it because I didn't want to put a voice to it if that makes sense. I felt that if I spoke of it I would increase its hold on me or something. I think it may have even extended to my family as we've experienced some bad times these last few month and both of my elder boys were physically attacked in the street on two different occasions, and the atmosphere in our home has been strained to say the least.

This Friday however, was the first evening I didn't feel the need for a cleansing bath. It's like a weight had been lifted. I'm still going to wear/carry on my person my protection amulets for a little while longer (after re-cleansing and re-charging it of course), just in case this is just a lull. But it does feel finished and for that I am thankful. I'm also curious as to why this happened? It stalled my learning as I was having to concentrate on protecting myself rather than the basics that I should have been learning. I was crafting spells I didn't feel ready to craft. However, looking at it positively, I now feel a little empowered and I now know that I can protected myself if necessary, which I figured isn't a bad thing.

My Eyes Only

My Goddess candle. Simple yet elegant.  

Hidden in plain sight

I bought some small yankee candles yesterday in the elemental colours (I'm starting to feel a real connection with the elements). My intention is to refill them once the original candle has finished with my own crafted ones, I just didn't know where to get the empty jars from. They sit on the right hand side of my hearth in their correct positions. I light the candle that is associated with the current season; in this case green for Earth/winter. On the left of my hearth sits a large white Goddess candle on a simple yet lovely white stand. I'll add a photo of it once I've charged up my phone :). I love that I can do this and only I know that it's my Goddess and Element shrine hidden in plain sight. I plan to add a black candle for God once I find a similar black stand.

Jewellery

My magikal jewellery. Top left is my copper and brass Triple Goddess bangle. Bottom left is my amethyst (my birthstone) pentacle and on the right is my long white-agate necklace. These three pieces are for spell-crafting and rituals only. They make me feel maigikal, protected and closer to my Goddess.

During my normal day I wear my Isis necklace and if I'm in work, I also wear my Native American arrowhead chocker (photo's to come).

On a side note (but really it needs it's own post), I performed a self-dedication ritual this morning :) I'm so happy. More details to follow.

Bless be
)O(

Pre Christmas Ramble: late post is late

This post is a little late but if I don't post it now I never will.

Yes I'm Wiccan and I celebrate Christmas.

Even though I was brought up to celebrate Christmas neither of my parents are religious. In fact they haven't a religious bone in their bodies. Christmas was, for us, a time to celebrate 'family' and to receive presents. School would put on the Christian Nativity and we'd all coo over the 4 year old Mary and Joseph (or be jealous that we were only the inn keeper :)). Christianity was always in the background even if it wasn't shoved down my throat constantly. I remember in Junior school there was a girl who didn't celebrate christmas (she was a jahovo witness) and I remember that we were all concerned that she didn't get any Christmas presents. What stuck in my mind though (I'm actually surprised I remember this tbh) was that she wasn't bothered because she said she got presents throughout the year instead. I remember liking this. I also remember that she used to bring in real snake skin that her snake had shredded. So she always seemed different to us. I think it must have been explained to us at the time in more detail but I don't recall.

It wasn't until high school that we were taught about other religions but I didn't really have an interest. RE (religious Education) was 40 minutes of kids messing around and colouring in jesus with a cross colouring sheets. It wasn't until around 17 that I started to be interested in spirituality. I'd try out a couple of religions hoping I'd feel a connection or something but I never did until I stumbled upon Wicca (I don't remember how that even happened). I've always celebrated the Christian holidays; Christmas, easter, etc. However I actually remember celebrating Mayday in junior school but that was early 80's. I don't know how or why it stopped being celebrated.

This year we celebrated Christmas but I also set up my Yule alter both in my bedroom and the sitting room (kinda disguised as I'm lodged firmly in the closet), performed a simple Yule ritual and spent a lot of time thinking about the Goddess and Wicca and what they mean to me. It felt good to celebrate my religion. Being my first year I didn't get to do some of the things I wanted
to do but I have good ideas for next year. I'm going to get crafty :)