I've been neglecting this blog for far too long :(
I just haven't felt like I've had enough time to put much effort in. I'm going to try and get back into blogging and into some kind of routine with my practise... and also a routine with everything. I always struggle after some kind of disruption but it's taken me much longer than usual this time round for one reason or another.
Beltane is coming up so I need to prepare for that and find out what it means to me so that will be my starting point. I'm going to try for a post a week. I've also restarted my Year and a Day studies. It'd been that long that I felt like a recap
I look forward to getting back in to the swing of things again :)
Wow it feels like I haven't been around for quite some time and I guess it's true.
I've had a lot going on these last few months what with my granddads illness
and death, and dealing with the funeral and various illnesses after to being
run down because of the stress. Then to top it off just as I thought I could
begin to get back to normal my middle lad started cutting again, so I've been
helping him through that. I've also been holed up like a hermit, which I'm
prone to do during the winter months but which has also crept into spring.
To combat this and to try and get out of my slump I've been into town today and
picked up a new chain for my mountain bike so I can get that fixed and get out
on it. I've missed riding. I feel so free flying down a mountain... Obviously
its kinda different riding up! But the whole experience frees my mind from the
mundane trappings that make up my life.
Although I've not been around Pagan/Wiccan community much I have been around the
interwebs. Mainly on YouTube, jeez that place eats up time like no other. But
I've enjoyed the distraction. And I think that’s why I was on there so much…
trying to forget all the crap clogging up my mind.
I've also been reading up on
Tameran Wicca a lot and it's definitely calling to me. I began looking into Kemetic orthodox and Egyptian
reconstruction but I knew instantly that wasn't the right path for me.
There is no way I'd ever give up Wicca. I am Wiccan through and through, but I
do, and have been, leaning heavy toward the Egyptian pantheon so Tameran Wicca
seems the perfect path for me at present. I still consider myself eclectic
however, because I still have a love for some of the Greek Gods and Goddesses,
and basically because it’s too early in my path to commit solely one path.
I’ve been slowly coming out of the Closet... Well some might
call it creeping but it boils down to the same thing really; my beliefs aren't super-secret
anymore and it's all to do with privacy, and the fact I have none. The fact I
was securely in the closet wasn't because I’m ashamed about my spiritual
beliefs jsyk, but rather that I want to be judged for me and not for someone's
prejudices. That and the fact I'm a very private person but that’s another
story. I finally realised when my youngest told me I had a parcel. A very big
parcel! (I may or may not be slightly exaggerating) and asked if it was
anything to do with my ‘witchcraft’ stuff. So yeah I guess I’m kinda out of the
closet. I've not been a super sleuth or anything, quite the opposite actually.
Certain people are getting the hump and not talking to me, or even better
blatantly ignoring it. But to be honest I've started not to care rightly or
wrongly. Someone once asked me if my partner was travelling the path with me,
and whether he was supportive. Well long and short, no he is not. The question
played on my mind a bit; I think it must have been bugging me somewhere in my
sub-conscious because I started to leave books, incense, crystals, etc. around
the place. Not in your face, but you know, here and there and obviously the
kids have picked up on this. It’s being ignore by my boyfriend at the moment (aside
from the odd negative comment) but I’m just ignoring that… actually I might
even burn some incense in the living room lol I Can’t help but push now.
So yeah, that’s what’s new with me. I hope you all are
having a great day. Blessed be beautiful people
I'll leave you with a video of a band that I have been enjoying lately and who have helped me over the last few months...
Stupid me just jumps into the thick of things and joins too many online networking sites +_+ then get freaked out when weird guys (I guess they're guys... but who the hell knows really) send weird messages. Oh they're easy to ignore, don't get me wrong. It just got me thinking about why I even bother to join these sites in the first place. I do it all the time. I've joined sites that I can't even remember the name of! I'll find a site, try to join only to find I've already joined and obviously not gone back. It's not as if I even like networking (aka making friends). Well. I do, of course I do but I'm rubbish at it and because I'm rubbish it makes it an up hill struggle. That's hard work to me and who likes hard work after a day at work? It just feels like a process to me... unnatural... awkward. I find it's easier when I just click with someone, and that does happen occasionally, luckily for me or I'd have no friends at all. I really struggle with the building bricks that go into creating a relationship. I miss the social cues that everyone else observes and can easily apply. So I get defensive... "I like it on my own... I don't need anybody else... (blah blah blah)" it's like a mantra to me but for the most part it's not even true. I don't like to bother people, and I always think that I am... bothering them I mean, so I hold back. It doesn't help that I'm no great conversationalist with people I don't know... hell, even with people I only half know. Sometimes I think that's worse, when you only half know a person. I don't know where I stand. I don't know the friendship "rules".
But anyway I've gone slightly off topic and gone all melancholy. I blame Adele :)
Solution: To delete all but maybe two of them and concentrate on the ones I feel the most comfortable with, which is just one at the moment. I do like the look of another one, I just don't feel free there yet.
Lesson: To find out all I can about a site before I join. If it's not for me, move on. And repeat
I've been distracted these last few weeks with my Granddad being ill in hospital. It's kinda knocked me out of rhythm.
He's better than he has been. He's been in and out of sedation for the past week and he's due to be moved shortly. It should have been a few days ago but they put it back slightly. I haven't seen him for a week due to minor illnesses within the family. I miss him but I'd never forgive myself if I past anything on to him while he's so ill. I should be going to see him very soon. Hopefully before he gets moved to Liverpool.
I've still been practising the tarot and runes. The tarot coming alone better than the runes. I think its because of my memory. I can associate meaning with the images of the cards, but with the runes it's a only a symbol and a name I can't remember how to pronounce. I have to look it up every time. I know the tarot will take much longer to learn because of the multi layers of meaning and symbolism but I'm just finding them easy at this time. I'm going to keep at them both but not stress about it. I don't expect to learn everything in a blink of an eye. This isn't the Matrix :) travelling this path is life long so I have plenty of time (Goddess bless!).
I've also been continuing with my meditation albeit at a slower pace and less often. It's not been as successful as previous, and I put that down to being knocked out of synch. I really enjoy meditation and experimenting with different approaches so I'm going to step it up again next week. I felt I was getting somewhere but I'm sure it's like riding a bike once my mind gets back on track. I tried in the bath yesterday and I gave up after 10 minutes. Usually 10 minutes was a breeze.
So apart from the tarot, runes and meditation I've not being doing much. Before my Granddads illness I was looking into animal totems; gathering information, asking advice so I still have to write that up for my BoS. I'll also post it here. I was also looking into Kemetic Wicca (or is it Tameran Wicca?) but that'll be a different post.
Sometimes I'm my on worst enemy. I'm to busy trying to protect myself from hurt that I close myself off and become so fucking self-centred it's stupid.
These last few months I've been concentrating on protecting myself from negativity from outside sources but maybe I'm going about it all wrong. Maybe I need to focus on making things better, making things right. Letting light in instead of keeping the dark out.
Well I've now performed my second Imbolc ritual. I won't mention that they were 10 years apart ;) this years was much better than the last time I did it. If I remember correctly I felt very unsure of myself and what I was doing. Yesterday it felt right and everything went smoothly and I was really calm; I'm sure I felt a little apprehensive the first time and forgot to do a few steps. However I did feel that I was slight stiff and a little too concerned with getting the steps right, well no, that isn't right. A little too focused on the steps? I'm finding it a little difficult to articulate. But anyway it felt right and I was calm... just a little stiff. I guess the sabbats (and spell casting) will feel like that until the wordings come naturally from my own heart instead from someone else's. I suppose they'll feel more natural as I start to write my own like I did with my Yule celebration.
My Imbolc ritual was the first I've performed before sunrise. I definitely felt a difference between performing in the day and night. I didn't think it would be that different; it just felt so tranquil. There was no traffic -although I perform my rituals indoors when I practise in the morning I can still hear people going about their lives). It was just beautiful and I will definitely be setting my alarm and doing it again.
It makes me question how I'm going to go about celebrating Esbats. I know not everyone celebrates them every month but I want and intend to (although I haven't yet). I've not yet researched/learnt about the Esbats. I've just bought Moon Magic by D.J Conway which was recommended to me but I'm currently reading around four/five books (I'm using 2 to structure my leaning and the other 2 for different perspectives, and one which is usually focused on the subject I'm currently studying; it's actually not as confusing as it sounds!), so I haven't got to the Esbats yet. I know that I want them to be a simple celebration and that they'll have to be performed under the moonlight. For the moment in my mind I'm thinking that I'll do something around about midnight. Something simple. I may not even cast a circle but it will be outside. That's something I'm very sure about.
I really need to start posting as I go. I always write posts on my phone but I never think to post them straight on blogger, or any other blog right away because I want to add a photo, or I can't remember an author's name or something and then I forget about it until it feels too late to actually post it. It annoys me because then things happen that link in to something I draft posted about and then I do some back peddling and rush to post the posts I should have posted before posting the event that it linked in with... Phew, still with me? So basically I need to stop procrastinating and get posts posted before they're out dated.
A Promise
The last time I studied Wicca I did so for 9 or so months. I regret that I drifted from the path but ultimately I did and I can't get that time back so I'm putting my best foot forward.
On the 18th January I dedicated myself to Isis, and promised to study my chosen path for a year and a day. After my year and a day I intend to perform another self-dedication ritual where I state that I'm making an informed choice and dedicating myself to that choice. I know most people do it the other way round but doing it this way makes much more sense to me, especially after stepping off the path last time. I'm thankful that I didn't make a dedication at that time as I would have broken it. Not that I ever gave up my religion. No, I've always felt Wiccan, I just stopped practising, but unfortunately I also stopped learning.
I performed a lovely yet simply dedication, and also I performed a Goddess blessing which I felt was appropriate. I felt great afterwards .
